Guilt

***Stories from of The Boy In Blue.

I press my ear to the door 
and hear my nineteen year old daughter crying.
my stomach tightens, my chest aches, 

Tears sting like poison 

I never thought history would find her here; 

Or even repeat itself.

Teenagers should never have to cry over what a Band-Aid can't fix. 

I was a nineteen year old boy 

in love with a 20 year old girl 

Her eyes were bigger than summer suns 

Her smile took my breath away. 

I have never met anyone like her-

Not even in my dreams 

It was the best summer of my life 

and she appeared and disappeared  

like the best summer of every teenaged boys life, 

But she was engaged 

To a man she realized she really didn't love-

He was obsessed with her presence 

I was obsessed with her soul, 

For some reason she couldn't tell the difference 

But she felt the difference 

And thought being unable to define it made her unfaithful 

I thought this made her human .

I held her hand in the summer of 1990

I pressed my cheek to her face 

Her wet eyelashes painted my shoulder with tears -
our love went unspoken, 

It hung in the air like fog does in Maracas Valley on Christmas Eve 

It never escaped our lips 

But it existed- 

Like a stillborn baby, 

It existed. 

I whispered,  

"don't leave" 

She replied, 

"don't cry" 

I broke. 

My manhood crumbled before it had ever been erected 

I never thought being with the person you loved could be so difficult 

I never thought loving someone could ever not be easy.

That night I held her, 

Till 3AM,

Till I thought our palms had been fused indefinitely, 

Till I knew that every 3am from this moment onward  

would drip with the thrill her laughter gave me 
and the sincerity of her care,

Till I knew that a piano, 

which reminded me of her voice,

would always sound like her voice to me-

The chords of Sabbath hymns will always have new meaning

and jazz ballads played on my neighbour's untuned piano 

will always be bittersweet.

I let her go

Though I  

fought for her everyday till she married 

And prayed for her as only friends do 

everyday till she was buried.

Apparently love has defects, 

Her husband's love had anger issues. 

Guilt is a fence 

A shadow 

A six foot high wall 

Turned upside down drilled into earth- 

Perhaps I should have warned my daughter, 

Told her that on a random day in June 

She  will meet someone who makes her heart leap 
who cradles her with their words 

Who loves despite of who she is 

Or what she's done, 

And by summer's end she'd learn 

That every passionate lover has a choice 

It may be you 

It could be someone else. 
Perhaps I should have told her 

That usually, it's someone else.